My life with ... with ... wait. What?

The Max

2010-01-28T20:01:00.000-08:00

I'm on the train, heading into Portland. My car is out of commission, so I've had to bum rides off of Rene all week. Thank gad we work together.

She has tonight off, but was kind enough to drop me at the Kings Hill station. Halfway there, I realized I forgot to take my second dose of Dexedrine. I take one 10mg spansule at 5pm and another at 6:30 or 7:00. I was so nervous about taking the train by myself, I forgot about my meds. Oh, well. I'll be half-coherent tonight.

I'm proud of myself for handling this so well.

Mobile Blogging from here.

Still here. Mostly.

2009-11-22T22:07:00.000-08:00

Hey, why don't I updated my ADD blog? Maybe because I have ADD?

HAHA.

For the past....several months? I have been on Dexedrine spansules. The IR Dex worked really well for me, but I needed something that would last longer. Hence the spansules. I've been on 20mg, which work, but I think I could go a little higher. I'm hoping to see my doctor this week to up my dosage.

The meds really help at work, though obviously they're not a miracle cure. I still mess up and I still forget things. It's hard to really apply things I've learned about ADHD to my workplace because things change so often there. I've been really stressed out lately (for numerous reason), and have been making a lot of mistakes. I got written up for the first time ever, and now have a black mark in my record. My sister says that's bullshit because the mistakes I make aren't because I'm lazy or stupid, they're because I have a disability. Thing is, nobody but my supervisor knows I have ADD, and she's not the one who demanded I be written up. So I don't know what to do about that.

In other news, I've lost almost 30 pounds. All thanks to my job and Dexedrine. I work so much I don't have time to eat as much, and the meds make me not hungry, so when I do eat, I never get stuffed. Plus I no longer stress-eat. My doctor is happy about the weight loss, but she's going to run some thyroid tests with the blood I gave her on Friday.

More later.

Not too bad.

2009-04-06T04:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took a Vyvanse at around 2:00 p.m. Went to the library, came home, put my cat's bag of fluids in a bowl of warm water and set the timer on my iPhone for eight minutes. Then I took the dogs outside and did Poo Duty until the timer went off. Went back inside, gave Spooky her fluids. Went back outside, finished with the poo, then went around picking up all the branches from when my sister pruned the trees and bushes in the yard. Then I took the full garbage can out to the driveway and brought the empty one into the yard for later.

It was 70 out there yesterday, so a lot of my motivation was the sunshine. I put on a tank top and just went out and sucked up the vitamin D while I worked. Then I just sat on the stoop with the dogs and enjoyed the day for a while. So the Vyvanse works; I'm just not 100% happy with it. Again, I'll be discussing it with my doctor next week. For now, I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

Went up to my mom's to do laundry and remembered to grab my running shoes from the closet (because I'd written a reminder on my hand). I plan to start the Couch to 5k program this afternoon, and I needed to be prepared. I'm all excited because I found an iPhone application for the program; you can listen to your own music and the program will promt you at interval changes. Very exciting.

Meds update

2009-04-05T05:12:00.000-07:00

I've been on the Vyvanse (30mg) for over a week now, and I really don't feel like it's helping me much. It *is* helping, but not like the Dexedrine. I get paid this coming Friday, so I think I will make an appointment with my doctor for the following week to discuss Dex spansules.

My sister got the bright idea to buy some (empty) vegan gel caps from New Seasons. While I was getting ready for work the other night, she emptied a Vyvanse capsule into four gel caps. These will serve as a quarter "tab." I tried that out yesterday (a gel cap an hour after I took a 30mg Vyvanse) and it seemed to work well enough. But like I said, I think Dexedrine is probably the better medication for me.

That's all for now. It's bedtime for me.

You can be the side effect. I'd rather be the dope.

2009-03-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, now, to be fair, I haven't updated this blog because I haven't had time. It's maybe only 10% ADD-related.

So wayyyy back in February, around the 15th I think, I started on Dexadrine. The first night I took one tablet and cleaned the crap out of the kitchen. I cried to my sister afterwards because the noise in my head was gone and I was able to think clearly. She said it perfectly: it's like everything is in front of you, rather than on top of you.

I followed DocMed's schedule and by day three was doing well on 10 mg. I saw DocMeds for a follow up about a week and a half later, and I talked about how I could definitely feel the Dex wear off at around one or two o' clock. (I take my meds right when I get to work, usually around 9:15 p.m.) We discussed trying a medication that lasts longer, so she wrote me an Rx for Vyvanse (30 mg). I got sick right after that, so I didn't get a chance to fill the Rx until yesterday. When I got up this morning (morning to me is 2 p.m. or so), I took a Vyvanse capsule. I went out, dropped some film off at Walgreens and returned some books to the library, then came home and started cleaning.

I took a break to update this blog, since I've neglected it terribly.

So next time I go to see DocMeds, I'm going to ask her about Dexadrine spansules. Oh and also allergy medicines. A couple of weeks ago, I had a really scary night at work. I'd taken my generic claratin at around 2 p.m. and the Dex at around 8 or 9 p.m. A few hours into work, I started to feel really light headed. I went to the washroom to splash cold water on my face only to find my face was bright red. I almost passed out a couple of times, and my speech was a little slurred. I probably should have told my supervisor, but I was embarassed.

I told my sister about it the next day, and she told me she'd just read an article about how you shouldn't take allergy meds with ADD meds. Oops? So I really need to talk to my doctor about that. If I don't take my allergy meds, I get crazy itchy and I look like a tweaker going through the DTs.

So that's what's been going on. When I took the Dexedrine, I found that I was more calm at work. Things that bothered me before (like the crowded break room or confusing test codes) were no big deal anymore. I understand that the meds aren't miraculous; just taking the pills aren't going to make my problems go away. I still need to rework the way I approach everything in life, and that's where I'm having the most trouble. But I'm hoping that now that I have my new Rx, I'll be able to stay on top of things again. I finally signed my dog up for obedience classes, and I have even followed through with his at-home lessons. I'm working toward getting him trained and settled enough to take the test/training to become a therapy dog. That's a good goal for me. Not only is it good for Curly Joe, but it will get me out in the world, meeting (and helping) people. I am an incredibly shy person, and this has always been hard for me.

I'm going to shut up now and get back to work. Lots to do!

[Edited because I have no idea how to spell the medication I'm taking.]

I haven't forgotten.

2009-02-15T01:18:00.000-08:00

I honestly haven't had the time to update my blog. No time, no opportunity to use a computer. All I have is my iPhone, and I am not about to spend three hours typing up a bunch of updates with one finger on a tiny screen. I'm blind enough as it is.

I started on meds this week, and hope to have an update about that sometime soon.

It's the terror of knowing what this world is about

2009-02-11T05:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I saw (on my sister's recommendation) an NP yesterday afternoon to discuss ADD meds. She got a bit of history from me. There's not a lot my sister and I can tell about our medical history because we're adopted. I know cancer is pretty prevalent on the maternal side.

I told her I had a heart murmur, but she said that wasn't a problem, only things that are "structurally" wrong with the heart. She asked if I had any thoughts toward medication and I told her it was all new to me. I only knew that Adderall worked for my sister. She suggested starting with Dexedrine. (FYI: Dexy's Midnight Runners got their name from the drug.) The NP said the meds kick in five to ten minutes after taking it, lasts four or so hours and then drops off. She gave me a schedule, too:

Day One:
Take 1 tablet (5 mg.) - note how you feel and your effectiveness.
One hour later add 1/4 tablet. -again observe how your body feels and what the experience is for you.
Day Two:
Take 1 1/2 tablets -if you feel your focus can still be improved, one hour later add another 1/4 tablet.
Day Three:
Begin by taking 2 tablets then one hour later add 1/4 tablet if needed.
Notes:
Begin on a day where you can test mental focus by doing a difficult task such as paperwork or an organizing project.
Do not drink any caffeinated beverages during these tests or combine with other stimulants such as asthma medication.
Do not combine any depressants such as alcohol, marijuana, or cold medications containing antihistamines.
Make sure to eat rotein during the four hour period.
Take medication early in the day to avoid sleeplessness.
The dosage is too high if you experience headache, nausea or racing heart. These symptoms will go away after 4 hours.
Do not take any stimulant medications if you have a heart condition, have been diagnosed bipolar, are pregnant, or are experiencing agitation or insomnia.

So ... this is going to be fun. To be honest, I'm terrified. What if my heart explodes or I flip out and decide to live in a tree for a while?

Is it bad that I'm looking forward to the appetite suppressant part of the drug? I'll just be sure and keep lots of almonds at work to snack on every now and then. The NP warned about diabetes because people forget to eat. Since I'm pretty much pre-diabetic, that makes me nervous. And I can't take Dex and Advair at the same time, so now I'm paranoid about taking Advair at all.

She said, once a month, just take a weekend off from the drug. I was surprised, as I'd been planning on not taking it at all on the weekends. My sister said that I should definitely keep taking it on the weekends, at least until I get used to the medication. I made a follow up appointment with the NP for next Wednesday to see how I'm doing. Hopefully I can get my shit together enough to actually keep track of my progress.

So she wrote me an prescription and I high-tailed it to Bi-Mart to get it filled, hoping to get home in time to watch the Red Wings game (They won. YES.). When I dropped the prescription off, the pharmacist told me there was nothing written on it.

Fuck.

She'd signed it but hadn't written the medication on it. I called her back right away and left her a voice mail, then walked to Albertson's to buy some rice for lunch. She called as I was walking toward the check out, so I stopped by the diapers to take the call. (I HATE it when people talk on their phones at the check out.) She was amazed to have made such a huge mistake. "Got caught up in our talking, I guess!" She said she would write up a new prescription and I could come back and exchange them. So I did that. Drove back to Bi-Mart and 20 minutes later had a small bottle of amphetamines in my hand. And with my insurance? 30 tablets cost me seven bucks.

Oh, that's another thing. The NP wrote out a form for me to send to my insurance so they could reimburse me for the visit. When I showed it to my sister, she said, "How come she wrote my name down?"

D'oh!

I'll have to bring that with at my next appointment and have her write out another one. In my name.

Work was ok. I didn't make any major mistakes. In fact, I don't think I made any. I was in tears all night, though. Not sure why, because I'm not PMSing. I think I was just overwhelmed by the ADD thing. Until I had those pills in my hand, it was still something intangible. Now it's real. There's something wrong with my brain, and I need pills to cope and I have to relearn how to do most of the things other people take for granted as easy. My sister says it's a good feeling, knowing you now have the power to make changes, but I can't see it any other way than this big mountain of shit that I have to dig my way out of. Maybe that will change once I start the medication. I don't know. Work was hard, though. I feel so worthless and stupid all the time. I'm told this is because of the ADD, but I have this fear that medication won't change anything. That I don't have ADD and am, in fact, incredibly stupid.

There was one nice thing: my friend and co-worker had been planning on getting donuts before work, so I gave her five bucks and asked her to get a couple of vegan ones for me and my sister. Last night, there were six Voodoo Donuts waiting for me in my friend's car: one sugar, one glazed, two coconut (one chocolate, one vanilla), one chocolate with nuts and one chocolate with sprinkles. My sister and I hate coconut, but Ill suck it up just this once. When I got home, I woke Sis up and showed her the box. She took it from me, snuggled up to it and feel back to sleep. I took the box back and said we couldn't have one until after we walk the dogs this afternoon. I'll probably be trying my first Dex at that time, so maybe I'll walk ALL THE DOGS in the neighborhood, too.

I'm off to feed the animals and (hopefully) get some sleep so I can wake up in time to try the meds before I go to work. The NP said it was vital for me to get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep every night, but that never happens. I work when my sister sleeps and vice versa (Sis works from home). I can't sleep with earplugs in because then I don't hear my alarm, but if I don't put the ear plugs in, house noises wake me up and make me anxious so I can't fall back asleep. I just can'the get a good night's rest. Ever. And that's not good.

Wish me luck.

Two minutes for delay of game.

2009-02-04T21:07:00.000-08:00

Ah, a day off. And what better way to spend a day off than watching a hockey game with one of your best friends?

That’s right; I got nothing done today. None of the tiny goals I had were met. I should probably feel bad about that, but I don’t. I’m still too happy from the hockey, even though my guys lost. (My other guys won, though!)

I woke up around 4:30 (completely slept through my alarm), wandered downstairs to let the dogs out, wandered toward the office to see what my sister was up to, only to stop in the mudroom because it was pretty obvious what my sister had been up to: painting. I let the dogs back in and went into the office to say hello to Grubs and after we talked about painting, she said, “You’d better go talk to Indi. I think there’s a hockey game on or something.”

So I watched the game with Indi. Still in my pajamas, still having not eaten anything. Had to watch the hockey. I miss out on so many games, working night shift. I’m usually getting ready for work and feeding the animals when the games are on, or (because I don’t have Center Ice ... YET) they’re not broadcast on any of the stations I have. So everything I had planned went flying out the window.

There’s always tomorrow, and tomorrow I have to call the doctor about meds. I also have to renew my dog’s license and ... something else. Oh - return overdue library books/movies.

2009-02-02T16:50:00.000-08:00

I asked my sister to wake me up at 3:00 so I would have time to make some phone calls. I got up at around 4:00 and just met the three goals I had set for myself today:

Call Doctor about my blood work. Check. (Everything looks fine except my vitamin D is a little low. She wants me to take Nature Made vitamin D supplements [1,000 I.U.] everyday, but they have Vitamin D3 in them and that's not vegan.)
Call about obedience classes for Curly Joe. Check. (8 week class starts on the 18th and is guaranteed.)
Call Sis's's's doctor about ADD meds. Check. (I left a message.)

Now I'm eating breakfast (chocolate almond oatmeal and a glass of soymilk) and will go for a walk with my sister and the dogs after she has her "15 minutes of solid."

I expected my vitamin D to be low; how often do I see the sun these days? Last year I got at least a half hour of sun every day when I was out running. Gad, I miss that. I love my job, but I'm not a night person.

Not bad for a Monday.

Ducks in a row.

2009-02-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight, my sister showed me how to set reminders on my iPhone, so hopefully I’ll be more on top of things from now on. My goals tomorrow are:

Call my doctor for blood work results.
Call about obedience classes for Curly Joe.
Call doctor about ADD meds.

And I just remembered one more thing: a new toy for Curly because tomorrow is his birthday. (And one for Tank because I can’t leave him out of anything.)

It’s been a few days since my eye-opening doctor visit, and I’ve been doing pretty good. Well? Eating a lot more fresh fruits and veggies and the soy ice cream in my freezer is still just sitting in my freezer. According to my bathroom scale, I’m down four pounds. That’s a lot in just a few days, so I chalk that up to good old menstruation. But to give credit where credit is due, here’s me patting myself on the back.

And here’s me laughing because I’m trying to update my ADD blog and I’ve just spent the last 45 minutes scouring Google for hairstyles because I really want a cut like the girl who served us at Vegetarian House tonight. I’m so sick of my hair, I just want to shave my head.

ANYWAY. I’ve completely lost interest in this. Wheeeeeee.

Classic.

2009-01-28T18:15:00.000-08:00

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday, for the first time in over six years. I had thought I was seeing the NP, but I ended up having the appointment with the doctor I had originally wanted. So...score!

The last time I went to the doctor, people still wrote in charts. The nurse or tech or whatever who checked me in did it all on a lap top. Then she flipped the screen around and had me sign some stuff and I just felt really old. I remember when the dewey decimal system was the only way to get around a library, but I digress. She took my blood (two big serum seperators and a purple top - damn, leave some for me!) and said the doctor would be right in. She wasn’t right in, but that’s ok. I had a book and didn’t mind the wait.

I really like the doctor, though. She’s nice and friendly and stern-in-a-good-way when it comes to health concerns. And I have a few health concerns. My new doctor is so awesome, they do the labs right there in the office. Some of them, anyway. While I was on the table having my ovaries probed, the techs were busy spinning and analyzing my blood. By the time we were done, the doctor had a print out, which we went over.

Bottom line is: I have to get my shit together. I knew this all along, but to have it right there, in my hands, in black and white, was a real eye opener. And that was what I was looking for: proof positive that I was wrecking myself, inside and out. Last year I was running three days a week and working out five days a week. My diet wasn’t perfect, but I did start every day with a smoothie (soy milk, carob powder, frozen fruit and fresh, ground flax seeds). If only I’d been able to see a doctor then!

I got sick with a cold a couple of weeks ago and since then have had no appetite. I’ve basically only been eating (vegan) cream cheese sandwiches and microwaved Boca Burgers. I just don’t care. Didn’t care. Now I’m starting to. If I’m going to work on “fixing” (I guess managing would be a better word) my brain, having a healthy body is essential.

So I’ll get the rest of my results next week. I guess they’re doing a vitamin D test, which should be interesting since I work night shift and NEVER SEE THE SUN.

When I got home from the doctor, I realized I’d forgotten to tell her about my heart murmur and wanting to discuss ADD medications. *face palm*

My sister suggested I go to her doctor for that, since she more or less writes ADD Rxs all day long. Okay, then. I’ll get right on it.

We had a mini staff meeting at work yesterday. I’d been told (previously) by my supervisor that we were having one and that none of the issues we’d be discussing were my fault, and yet when we all went into the office to talk, the manager looked at me the entire time. I felt very embarassed and on-the-spot, especially since I was pretty sure none of the issues were anything I had done wrong. Afterward, my supervisor came to my desk and jokingly apologized, saying more or less that I’d been an unintentional target. Maybe it’s because I’m new, maybe it’s because I was the only one sitting directly across from her. I don’t know. It ruined my night, though. It shouldn’t have, because it was in no way a hostile or negative meeting. It was more like, “You guys are a kick ass team but the last couple of weeks have been kind of screwy, so here are some ways we can make improvements.” I just take things really hard. Losing this job would be devastating to me and my family, and I go in there every day terrified that I’m going to be fired. There’s no logical reason for this except that I have little-to-no self-worth and am still traumatized from being fired from my last job for quoting the wrong price to a customer. No, seriously.

Anyway. I hope I can get prescribed some meds soon, and I hope that they help. I have very little reason to think anything good will come into my life.

Goal.

2009-01-26T14:25:00.000-08:00

I did it. My one goal today was to make an appointment with (who I hoped would be) my new doctor. It would have taken a few weeks to get an appointment with the doctor so the receptionist offered me am appointment with the nurse practitioner. I'll take what I can get at this point. Tomorrow (at 2:00) is better than February.

Now I have to go buy Curly Joe some food and go to the post office for my sister. Nothing like standing around in the P.O. for three hours to get your day started.

I'm wondering if I should tell my supervisor about my diagnosis.

"ADHD is recognized as a disability under federal legislation (the Rehabilitation Act of 1973; the Americans With Disabilities Act; and the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act). Appropriate and reasonable accommodations are sometimes made at school for children with ADHD, and in the workplace for adults with ADHD, which help the individual to work more efficiently and productively."

Not that I expect any special treatment, of course. I just seem to make a lot of mistakes. No one has said anything about it, other than to reassure me that they've all made the same mistakes during their training (I started this job three months ago). I just wonder if I should let her know. I mean, it's kind of important, right? My supervisor gave me a notebook on my first day so that she (and eventually I) could write down notes for me to help with my training. I have since filled up several pages with codes and certain procedures (I work in a lab) because I forget so easily. She has said several times that she appreciates my utilizing the notebook; apparently she's tried this with several other trainees and nobody ever used them. I need this notebook. I couldn't get by without it. Especially now that I'm doing dilutions with the F/F testing. In three months, she expects me to be trained enough to be the closer on Saturdays. I really hope that, with medication and therapy, I can exceed those expectations.

A New Beginning.

2009-01-26T06:03:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, I was diagnosed with ADD. I have felt like a colossal moron for most of my adult life, and while I am not happy to find out there is something wrong with my brain, it is quite a relief to find out that it's not my fault. And, more importantly, I'm not stupid.

This blog will follow along on my journey to understanding ADD and learning how to cope with it. Granted, I have ADD, so I can't actually guarantee I'll update very often, but I just might surprise you. And myself.